At an instinctual first thought, it would seem that women know little to nothing about beards. However, while men remain focused on grooming, softening, trimming, styling and shaping their facial fuzz, we women – along with all partners to a bearded individual – tend to be on the receiving end of these carefully groomed, hairy masterpieces. Whether we give you a friendly hug, plant a wet one on your cheek or cuddle up close, we regularly come into direct contact with your beards and mustaches. As a personal beard-lover and partner to a swoon-worthy beardsman, I feel it is important that men learn not only how to groom their facial hair, but to be truly informed on how their bewhiskered look is perceived.
1. Clean it up.
While we get weak in the knees at the sight of your beautiful facial bushels, you must – I repeat – you must keep them clean, trimmed and groomed. We don’t want to get up close to give you a peck and see long wild nose hairs, crumbs from your last meal stuck in your beard, or an uncombed, vagrant-looking stache growing into the corners of your mouth. Trim it, comb it and slap on some soothing, savory smelling beard oil.
2. Man up.
It has been biologically ingrained in us to see beards as the ultimate sign of masculinity. As a result, we will expect you to be somewhat manly, whether you are putting together our furniture or walking a Chihuahua. So, if you are like most men – who aren’t muscular lumberjacks chopping down redwoods in slow-motion with your shirt off – try to at least flash a sweet smile and stride confidently. Careful grooming and confidence is always manly.
3. Suit up.
Style is still important. Your beard is awesome but if you are dressed in sweat pants and a ripped t-shirt, you will look homeless. Pair that stellar stache or that breathtaking beard with a fresh, tailored outfit. Your facial hair may be free-flowing and uninhibited but your attire needs to polished and orderly.
4. Tasteless flavor saver.
A “flavor saver” or “soul patch” with no other facial hair is flat out creepy and out of style. So just don’t.
5. Grow what you know.
If you can’t grow a full, even beard, don’t stress. You might just need a little more time to fill in the patches, or you can always opt for a slight scruff facade.
Now you know a few basic thoughts that run through your partner’s head when they come into contact with your sacred facial fringe, my bearded friends. Take this hairy knowledge and grow with it. Beard-admirers around the world await.