How to Blow Your Nose When You Have a Mustache
If there’s one thing that blows about having a mustache — it’s blowing your nose while having a mustache.
Mustaches are powerful! They’re masculine and strong and represent virality — until they’re soaked with snot. Look, that manstache is practically a ShamWow for snot rockets. Yeah, it’s gross. This is not news to us. And as far as we know, blowing your nose has been an issue for mustachio’d men since the advent of mucus.
Is there any hope? No, not really.
But as we make our way through flu season, we have five tips to help keep your mustache a little less mucousy.
1. FIND SOME PRIVACY
Nothing is redeeming about blowing your nose. Okay, it’s slightly better than just letting your nose drip like a faucet. Still, nobody’s ever blown their nose and gotten a standing ovation. Now, add a mustache to the mix. Yeah, an ugly situation is about to get uglier.
If you have to blow your nose, do everyone a favor and find some privacy. Be it a bathroom or a broom closet, get yourself somewhere discreet. Because chances are, when you pull that tissue away, your mustache will have absorbed the brunt of the boogers. Nobody wants to see that. At the very least, go find a corner or turn your back until you’ve got yourself situated again. Just, whatever you do, try not to let anyone see you.
2. USE A HANDKERCHIEF
Are tissues more convenient? Yes.
Do tissues feel better on your nose? Probably — especially if you get the nice ones with the aloe vera on them.
So why on earth would we suggest using a handkerchief to blow your nose?
For starters, no matter how deft you are at the art of clearing out your sneeze box, there’s still a high likelihood that you’re going to end up with some nastiness in your mustache. When you go to wipe that snot out, tissues leave behind a bit of residue that can get trapped in between the hairs. Now, instead of dealing with snot, you’re doing with snot and little white tissue particles.
Get yourself a week’s worth of bandanas and carry a fresh one with you every day. It won’t actually help you all that much. But in the event that you can't find some privacy, at least it will look cool — sort of.
3. COVER YOUR MUSTACHE
Alright, let’s talk about how to actually keep your mustache clean when blowing your nose.
Blowing your nose successfully when you have a mustache is all about getting back to the fundamentals. Use the entire tissue or handkerchief. Don’t get lazy and use just a portion of it. Lay that thing down over your mustache like it's a protective tarp. Pretend you’re the grounds crew at Yankee Stadium, and the forecast calls for rain — booger rain.
Next, try to isolate your nostrils and blow one at a time. Concentrate. Focus on what you’re doing. Your margin of error is razor-thin. One distraction is all it takes to make your mustache look like you've been eating pea soup and badly missing your mouth.
That's all there is to it!
Is it easy? No. Good luck.
4. CARRY A POCKET COMB
We’re going to be brutally honest. You’re probably going to fail. Even if you take all the steps mentioned above, there’s still a 93% chance that you will end up with a gunky mustache. It’s fine. Just whip out your trusted Pocket Comb, clean yourself off, and try again later.
Remember, practice makes perfect.
5. WASH THE DANG THING
If you’ve made it this far, you should know that blowing your nose with a mustache is a lost cause. So, for the sake of all of us, give the dirty thing a good wash.
Well, there you have it. Five tips for blowing your nose when you have a mustache. Good luck and happy sneezing.
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