As beardsmen, we have all experienced waking up to a handful of social media alerts like beards have poop in them, or that you can hang baubles in your beard at Christmas time, or that you can even buy little crochet beards for your children. It comes with the territory of having facial hair. Most recently, I learned about the glitter beard trend that is sweeping the world –from over 30 Facebook friends posting it to my wall (Thanks so much for sharing). It would seem that the recent holiday trend of Ugly Christmas Sweaters has made it acceptable for people to look like fools in social settings. And this in turn has given rise to the glitter beard.
I’m here to set the record straight: Glitter beards are not a thing. Here’s why:
Glitter doesn’t stay in one place
Unless you are a professional make-up artist, chances are your attempt to cover your beard in glitter has resulted in covering your clothing, bathroom, floor, partner, children and pets in shiny little flecks. While this might start the next big trends of glitter pets or glitter kids, the fact of the matter is that no one wants to be vacuuming for the next four months.
Eating and breathing glitter sucks
I’m just assuming this of course, but I’m pretty sure it’s true. A quick anatomy check does indeed prove that the beard is very close to your nostrils and mouth. The thought of blowing red sparkles from your nose for the next week just doesn’t sound cool. And remember, what you accidentally digest will eventually come out the other end, which brings a new meaning to the term “glitter bomb.”
Who wants to kiss a dude with glitter all over his face?
People will want to take photos with you, but that’s as far as you’re getting, because being in close proximity to a glitter beard will just lead to the health hazards mentioned above in point #2.
A handful of people doing something doesn’t make it a trend
You will find that when the media first broke this new “trend” it was the same guys being featured over and over. Why? Because there were only a few guys that actually did it; and these guys were professional models. But, that’s enough for the media to generate panic among beardsmen and fuel the fire for hipster haters worldwide.
You buy glitter for people you hate
You don’t buy glitter for yourself, then voluntarily put it in your beard. Because that would just be crazy pants. You buy glitter for your enemies.
So the next time the media reports about the next big beard trend (and believe me, something will come along soon), step back and take a breath. Some think these stories are a conspiracy from shaving companies in hopes to make guys want to shave, and others think it’s just the media’s attempt at bumping their numbers because they know your mom’s best friend’s cousin will share the story with you.
I just think it’s ridiculous.