Beards Vs. Food

Urban Beardsman
Beards Vs. Food

Food and drinks are a part of everyday life, and enjoying what you consume is one of life’s pleasures. As much as we hate to admit it, there are certain perils of having a great beard. Whether we like it or not, beards include hairs that surround the mouth, right where food goes, and since none of us are perfect, food or drink ending up in facial hair is inevitable. A great feature of any beard, the mustache, is also a food and drink hazard zone and it’s no coincidence that the mo is colloquially known as a “soup strainer”. Don’t fret or compensate, there are ways around this. Here are some tips to get through eating and drinking to enjoy a more fruitful bearded life.

The Golden Rule – Utensils Are Your Friend

While it may seem manlier to eat with you hands, to just grab that burger, sandwich, slice of pizza or burrito and chow down, utensils aid in avoiding a mess and keeping your beard in pristine condition. It’s manlier to have a nice, beautiful, lush beard after having eaten with a knife and fork than eating pizza with your hands, only to find grease in your beard and sauce painting your whiskers red. This goes for drinks as well where avoiding the classic “milk” mustache is key. Milkshakes, smoothies, coffees and beers need not be avoided – simply use straws, a coffee lid (a paper cup with a lid or travel mugs are perfect), embrace bottled and canned beer at home, and grab yourself a Whisker Dam for those nights out on the town.

Liquid Foods – Less Is More

Nothing hits the spot more than a hearty bowl of soup or Ramen noodles with delicious broth. However these can wreak havoc on your beard. The chance of spilling liquid from a spoon is high, so to avoid this only put exactly enough for a mouthful on the spoon when eating soup, cereal or broth: less is definitely more here. Huge spoonfuls will have your beard smelling like chicken noodle or Cinnamon Toast Beard Crunch in no time, and that’s not a scent anyone enjoys. Unless you’re an expert with chopsticks, use a fork to twirl noodles in a spaghetti like fashion into a nice, tight, spiral before entering the mouth. In addition, you could, as Action Bronson suggests, hold your beard back when eating noodles or pasta.

The Sweet Spot- Small Doses

Bearded folk can be partial to a sweet treat. There are three distinct items you should be wary of in the sweets section – doughnuts, ice cream, and syrup (of any kind). Doughnuts that are glazed, iced, or filled tend to crack, crumble, and ooze on first bite which has potential to cause a sugar encrusted caramelized beard. To avoid this, simply cut your doughnut into small, bite-sized pieces or switch to doughnut holes to satisfy your craving. Unfortunately, syrup is a must for pancakes, and incidentally the bearded man’s “lumberjack breakfast” includes pancakes as a staple. Getting syrup in your beard is like super glue that will tangle beard hairs together and will require a beard wash. For ice cream, simply switch out the cone for a cup and eat with a spoon. The key here is to ensure ice cream isn’t melted, semi-melted, or dripping.

If you must eat one of the hazardous items, it pays to keep a beard bib on hand, or be prepared to wash your beard straight after. Don’t sacrifice, just pick your (food) battles wisely. Happy eating!

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